Turned 40... Now what?

September 28, 2018 - I officially turned 40.  I guess I just want to write something about this event in my life so I could look back on what were my thoughts and probably when I turn 50 (or older), laugh at my silliness. 

Leading up to this day, I was quite excited. Months before, I would try to plan how I am going to celebrate this day with friends. It's a milestone age. I should be thankful that I reached this age in good health, and with my sanity intact. But then, as the days draw nearer I felt a crippling sadness. I tried to google my way to find some answers on why I felt this sudden rush of panic and anxiety as the reality of turning 40 was dawning on me.  And I found out that I was not alone. 

What made me sad all of a sudden? Well, many thoughts flooded my brain. Firstly, my career.  I realised I had to think of my next move. I have shifted to a less technical role and this is not something I am really good at. Business analysis is somewhat new to me. My comfort zone was technical development and design and interacting with business users day in and day out is very challenging for an introvert like me (yes, my friends may gasp and laugh at me, but I do consider myself as an introvert).  

Well, when I shifted roles, I thought. What do I want to do next? Should I continue to do the thing that I know I am really good at and considered a master (believing in the mastery rule of doing something for 10 years straight qualifies me as such) or should I try something new? I chose the something new and I was scared because I had so many things to work on. But I figured, this is what life should be about. Learning new things and getting out of my comfort zone (yada yada).  Ok, so that was my first anxiety inducing thought, what if, I made the wrong move and I am not really good at this thing? 

Secondly, being 40 means my parents are really old. I had this reality check when my dad underwent dialysis. Being far away from them, does not help. I felt like I was bad daughter because I am not there to help my parents. Guilt, that I felt somewhat relieved since I don't know if I can handle seeing my father in such a helpless state. Thoughts like this really tire you out and that added a lot to what I was feeling. Someday, they will be gone and having no parents will make me ungrounded and I am not sure how I will handle that. 

This last thought, will make you laugh. A fortune teller once told my partner that I will only live until 40 (about 8 years ago). So, just guess the panic I was feeling that this is that year added to my anxiety. I know it's silly, but things like this can really get into your head. 


So these are the thoughts in my head just a couple of days before I turn 40. It was not fun at all. But during that actual day and seeing friends wish me well, my spirits somewhat lifted. I maybe turning 40 but youth is just a state of mind. And I guess, why do we value youth so much. Is it because it's tied to our mortality? Being old is something we try to stay away from because we think being old will make us less valued in this society. 

I have a manager who is very mature. He forgets a lot of things and he is not as technologically adept. But I can see the experience shine through on important matters and sometimes I think, when I am that age, will I also be as forgetful as him? It's like being old is seen as a weakness that we must fight against at all costs. Just look at LinkedIn and all you could see are pictures or our younger selves. 


Then, I remembered. Someone said that as you grow older that when you think more about God and spirituality. So I turned to what I believed in. Even if I tried, I cannot escaped from the faith that I was born into. I prayed and I asked God to take control of my life. I remembered the Bible passages that I read when I was younger and thought, they key to happiness is thinking of others more than yourself. Well, I was that for a lot of my younger years. But then it makes sense. 

We have no control of what the latter years will bring but as crazy as it may sound, God (higher being) knows where and what is best. I maybe planning my next move but if it's not meant to happen it will be futile. 

So, I thanked the universe for turning 40 and thought of making the most out of my next years on earth. To live life and to be more introspective of things that happen. To care more about others instead of being inside my head. 

Let's see what the next Act will bring. But as I look back at the 40 years that was given to me so far, I am just thankful that I am where I am right now.Full of love and hope that the next years will be the best years of my life.

Amen? AMEN!