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Showing posts from February, 2004
Personality of an Advice

My friend says it all when she told me that advices from friends mirror the giver more than the situation itself. Take for instance her case wherein she was having problems with her co-worker, a congenial friend told her to just laugh it off, a more brazen one told her to stand up and confront the person. While in my case, it's just a simple matter as my hair.



I wear my hair long for almost ten years now. It's really curly and unyielding to anything that I put in it. So, I've thought of cutting it really short as in a short crap of hair so I won't have to worry about it when I wake up in the morning and go to work. It's fun to gauge their reactions. One can see the distinct personalities with each reply. One very liberated gal friend told me to just do it and to not waste any moment and let the scissors rip. The most conservative ones told me to just take a trim because a short hair would make me look more masculine (as I have a very siga …
My friend and I through the years….

We turn full circle. This is where I first began my journey almost ten years ago. What a propagandist’s tirade of hope, perennial hoping for eventually making it to the realm of commonality?

Thus, I begin again to digress about what I have set out to write about. I am dying to type these words out in the hope that by sharing our story I can analyze why, how and when this all happened. How we found ourselves in this situation. What is the purpose of all of this nonsensical writing, heck I don’t know. Maybe I just want to find people out there with the same story and make them realize that they are not alone in this one.

I begin several years back. When I looked at him I sensed a kindred spirit. This is how I measure if a friendship is going to leave an indelible mark, if at first meeting I feel something oddly familiar about a person then I think that we were meant to share something wonderful. May it be a journey towards realizations, growing up, …
IN THE BEGINNING
As I await my turn to be sent out once again for the nth time and experience how it is to be human, I can't contain my excitement. It has been too long since I've worn my fleshy garmets. Yes, it is deliriously happy here but there's a part of me that wants to have another try. To experience it all over again.

Then, John, my spiritual mentor and trusted guide, smiled at me and gave me a gentle shove on the shoulder. He said to me,"So, you're going back again ey? It's been a long time since when?" , then he gave me a mischievious grin. Of course, we have been through so many lifetimes before ( i wasn't just aware of him when I was inside the EARTH program, he was just a silent but persistent code technical support).

"Yup! One go at it again and see if I've improved." But our conversation was cut short when my name was called. "Karel, you're next!" said a booming voice from behind the console.

Then I was us…
In the search for truth, one can tell that not everyone is ready for the truth. Sometimes I find myself telling lies (white lies or so I hope) because I think some people are puzzled by the truth. I don't want judgement, acceptance is difficult for an outsider because he or she does not understand the circumstances and the feelings that are going on inside our heads.

It's a pity why we fail to understand. Let us remember that a very wise one told us that we shouldn't judge others for the yardstick that we use would also be used against us.
I don't know how to explain myself. For me, I am never busy enough to enjoy life. Am I a slucker? I don't know, I don't know. But for me, people and ideas are much important than accomplishments. PERIOD.
Another day has passed and it is an ongoing struggle for sanity and fairness. It's the search for truth. All is futile. Is there really a purpose in this life? Religion is a dot in the search for truth and meaning. If you just accept that we are created to fulfill God's plan and then are we to just sit and accept all that life throws at us. Where is the active voice of reason? Alas, God is really a very complicated entity.

To have peace, one must stop in the search for truth. So, therefore, all peaceable men are already dead even if they are still on this life stream.
Sometimes one of the deterrents to total acceptance and love is guilt and fear. I cannot accept the changes that are within and without me because in my own twisted mind I think that it was my fault. That it was me who distorted the truth and the moral foundation of the person I love.

I can't stand people who exhibit the traits that I dislike about myself. Maybe the reason why I can't stand emotional people is because I am at odds with my very vulnerable and sensitive nature. I know, I can't even accept myself. How I cry for no apparent reason except for the nice harmony in the song that I like or the wondrous weaving of characters in a very beautiful movie.

I always say that I don't care but I do care, I do love, I do dream. I can't stand the ugliness of reality, of structured living and the abrasiveness of people. I like beauty in words, in the trees that sway with the blowing of the soft wind, the smell of brewing coffee and of course, beautiful, intellectual …
"The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself."

But it's difficult to be real to oneself. All is madness and futile. What if what you are is not what they want to see. What is they turn their backs and fail to accept what is before them. What if in showing who you truly are, you lose what you think is essential. But I guess, acceptance takes time but I must strive for the search for truth. And the truth shall set us free.
"Without illumination, we struggle with the forces of the world; we labor for a living; we struggle to maintain our power and position; we compete for riches or honors. Often we war with our own friends and even find ourselves at war with ourselves. There is no security in personal possessions even after the battle to acquire them has been won. "

hmmmm... interesting, true and magnifique!

"Spirituality means waking up. Most people, even though they don't know it, are asleep. They're born asleep, they live asleep, they marry in their sleep, they breed children in their sleep, they die in their sleep without ever waking up. They never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing that we call human existence."

This is a darn good wake up call. I think I dream my life away....
"Paradise isn't out there somewhere.
Paradise is here and now.
Paradise isn't to be gained.
Paradise is ours now.
Paradise isn't our reward.
Paradise is our heritage." - Anthony de Mello


I have this propensity to romanticise people. I think that I am more in love with the idea of falling in love that it does not matter who the prestation to my adoration is. I have this idea of how that person is inside my head. But I think it is much better to be forever enamored by love rather than to be in love now and then through a period of three years be jaded by the idea that love is grand and wonderful. We should not lose the feeling of being in love with a person for the first time. Even if you don't know that person but by the mere fact that the mere mention of his name brings a smile to your face and makes your day extra special - heck what's so bad about that.

"There is more to life than increasing its speed." - Mahatma Gandhi

Life should be lived in a leisurely pace and there should be an intimate unraveling of all that is magnificent and wonderful in this world. Some are in a hurry to end this life, for they think that it does not have any passion nor any color at all.
"What is love?" "The total absence of fear," said the Master. "What is it we fear?" "Love," said the Master."
- Anthony de Mello
There's still joy within us whenever we meet a kindred spirit who shares the same interest. Someone you could talk to until the wee hours of the morning about just anything and you're so happy because you know that the person understands where you are coming from.

You enrich each other by the knowledge that you share and by being with each other, you grow together. The journey of life is blessed with people you can truly relate with and I thank the heavens when this occur. For it is not everyday, that someone mentions a writer you really like and then knows all the works and meanings behind them.

I love people who love literature, film and music. For life will surely be unbearable without them.
Oi... I am bored with my existence. I thrive for something new. Disappointments abound everywhere! I am disappointed with people and their abhoringly pathetic hypersensitivity [looks who's talking] but I just can't take it when they refuse to see where the other people are coming from. They are only closely glued to their own needs, wants and ambitions and I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I am tired of always setting aside my pride, and I am sick of being the perpetual doormat!
I don't know if this is prohibited but let me borrow these words from a fellow and I believe in what he has to say about being gay,
"don't let me ask that question again. if i do, kill me! i'm gay because i am. simply put. this is not a choice nor a preference. this is me. people think that being gay is living a promiscous life. trust me darling it is not. it is not a walk in the park. like straight people, we have problems, pain, sorrow, happiness... we know all these things. and we live a more complicated life. it's not supposed to be, but people complicate people. we have to fight for our right. to secure a spot under the sun. to tell the world that i am gay and i belong here just as well as you do.

i am gay and i'm not sorry for that. i'm gay and i am proud of that. i am gay and whether you accept that or not, i am still gay. and i am here, not going anywhere..."

I think he is one of the bravest men I have chanced upon.
Gawd, I must admit that I am a coward. I cannot and will not entertain anxieties, fears, worries and doubts for they paralyze me. Am I a darn, old escapist? Work depresses me for there is nothing here that I can forecast to last for the next 5 years, heck, it would be a miracle if I can predict what our state will be the next day.

Many uncertainties makes me delusional, makes me cower and hide inside my head. It is sometimes tiring to have a strong wall to guard one's heart. I am thankful for my glasses for without them, I don't know how I can hide what I feel. It's a good defense mechanism.

Damn it... it's so hard to be human.
This is an interesting insight about work that has been useful for me so far, "Never let your guard down. Remember people at work are not friends (usually), and to share your whole life story could prove disastrous. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Be professional." I might add that one must never wear one's heart in one's sleeves.

I never quite understand an oldie tell me that he does not like to have his close friends and darn it even his girlfriend in the same company. Now I know. It is a battleground my dear, and don't let that shell crack baby. It's your protection against pain.