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Showing posts from January, 2004
As I read one blog and realized that he is also employed in the same company I quickly realized that it is a universal phenomenon for new experienced hires who are thrown with those rowdy freshies. To be subconsciously irritated to the noise of the "young" ones [aged 23 and below] because it makes you feel nostalgic about the days of long ago when you were the ones making all the noises and jostling about. And now it's your turn to act as the adult, to be the party-pooper and to act with the utmost decorum. To hide what is not accepted. I am a lousy actor but somehow I have to get through each day with myself intact. So at the end of the day, I can live my real life, inside my head where everything is what it's supposed to be.
Maybe this is a phase, but I look forward to the next month with dread, but with a miserable yearning for something I cannot quite understand. hmmmm......
Another month is now closing to an end. What do I have to show for it? What battle scars did I again acquire? Hmmmm.... nothing I think, I feel nothing. I feel numb and detached to life as it is. Hmmmm..... this is interesting..... hmmmmm....
Is this a perpetual search for meaning? Can life be transfixed to the same, old routines we do everyday? Will I get tired of my relentless pursuit for the finest things in life like LOVE, HOPE and of course… BEAUTY? I think not, love was made grander by poets and visionaries who can write about what should be but they themselves were blinded by fate to take a real close look at it. So, all they had were vivid dreams but what grand tales were concocted – much, much better than the real thing. This I believe to be true!
I finally found you, but there's still this hesitancy in me that seems to whisper that I should proceed with caution. But in truth, I am happy that you have given me hope that love works and it comes in times that we least expect it.
(from the Tao)

Those who know the natural way
have no need of boasting,
whilst those who know but little,
may be heard most frequently;
thus, the sage says little,
if anything at all.

Not demanding stimuli,
he tempers his sharpness well,
reduces the complex to simplicity,
hiding his brilliance, seemingly dull;
he settles the dust,
whilst in union with all natural things.

He who has attained enlightenment
(without contriving so to do)
is not concerned with making friends,
nor with making enemies;
with good or harm, with praise or blame.
Such detatchment is the highest state of man.

It's another dreary, cold, dark day. I just realized how much courage it takes to face normalcy and mundaneness everyday. Imagine facing each day, repeating the same old routine, the same tasks as if there's no nearing the end.
I realized that I have fallen for you... and I have fallen so deep that I don't know how to get out of the mire that I was subconsciously ignoring all these years. How can I love someone who cannot and will not love me back?
And So I walk....

For every major heartache in my life, I can distinctly remember very tired feet but very dry eyes.
There seems to be an insatiable part in me that wants to just move. People were made for movement and if one person finds himself immobile and stationary something inside him longs for change. Even if the change and movement itself is not physical, there should always be movement; be it a movement in the thoughts, dreams and feelings in one’s soul. We long for things that cannot be but because of the force and strength of one’s will, it can be turned and churned into a realistic portrayal of its zenith.

What am I passionate about? I have to find an answer to this question to make an acknowledgement that I am indeed alive and not just a listless soul trapped in a fleshy shell trying to get back to its original form. I should not be an entity living day by day, waiting for the carnal form to be no more.
"God is a concept by which we measure our pain." John Lennon

Maybe the way we view God is the manner in which we feel about ourselves. Then, are those people who are angry at God, in fact angry with themselves?
The moody blahsss....

It must be Mondays, the horrendous traffic, waking up at an ungodly hour, or simply nothing but I just feel so !@#%^*^&*.
I have a love-hate relationship with my mood swings. I love my mood when I am just happy without any reason at all, I just feel light and ready to conquer anything even myself. I can easily side with John Lennon and go with him to the toppermost of the poppermost! During those days, nothing can put me down even the news that FPJ's going to win as President. I'll reason that we could give him a chance.
This is my Dr. Jeckyll.

But then I could turn to the dark side and be Ms. Hyde. I am just simply at odds with everything, and i mean EVERYTHING. My smile muscles are suddenly disconnected from my nervous system. It's a Herculean effort even to smile but if I do smile I can imagine that it can beat the most sarcastic comment that I can make. I can even probably beat a typical Scorpio with his scorching temper and passionate cyn…
“Movie houses and theatres are the poor man's airport. They take us to places where we can immerse ourselves and leave the mundane and ordinary life behind."
"Life's essentials - books, chocolates, music, movies, family, friends who know all the deepest, damnable secrets you have and still love you for who you are, sports, a room of your own with a comfortable bed with three pillows to keep you warm at night, rubber shoes, a back pack, sign pen, blank paper, TREES!, socks, Bible, dictionary, and your imaginary alter ego."
"I think the most lovable men are men who love men. I love the way they walk, the way they talk (for I find them to be articulate and opinionated about almost anything), the way they move (almost with a grace that can be compared to a ballet dancer), the shape of their hands (I am a sucker for nice-shaped, soft hands) and the unique blend of effeminateness and gentleness about them."
Life is hilariously lonely and poignantly unreal. I always think of the day when I will be a cool old gal sitting on a wicker chair thinking of all the days that have gone by. Will I have ample memories to keep me company during the lonely days of life's twilight. Will my eyes light up when I remember a day long ago when I was full of wonderful joy, a photographed moment in my mind? Or will I just stare blankly in space wishing that I could relive my life again. My prayer is that at the end of my days I could utter that I've had a rich, full life. And that my friends, should drive me to make most of what I have right now. what about you?
"Life is a journey towards oneself. It's funny that all our lives we spend trying to get away from the self only to find out that it's the only sure thing we possess."
I've learned that Love ....
- is a choice....
- is simply complicated....
- is worth fighting for, but one must know when to turn back if it's a losing battle...
- hurts with a quiet pain that cannot be extinguish, only salved with tears....
- 's negation is not hate, it's indifference (ouch!)
- of one is not enough for two....
- is not a feeling, but a state of the soul...
- can create and can destroy...
- of oneself is the greatest love of all....
Idle Thoughts

What might be the driving force to most of us, seems to be worthless
and unimportant in the long run. For the things that we cling to today, may be gone tomorrow. There is no such thing as the accumulation of things that can quench our insatiable longing to find true meaning in our lives.

We came from one life force. The ONE? the WAY? some of us refers to IT
as God? the Supreme Being, others call it oblivion or complete nothingness. It was the void from which we came and to it shall we return. For we are indeed empty, coming from nothingness and yet we are everything there is in the universe.

Union is the primary longing in our lives, there are times when we
want to be something we cannot explain. In some weird sense, we want to
make something out of our existence. Some strive for achievement, fame,
power and glory while others use people to tell and to affirm them who they
truly are.

For indeed the self is illusionary. There is no distinct self in each
one of us. We are…
UP kong Mahal

Once I knew a place where I found myself,
A place where the earth speaks softly of its long forgotten tune,
Where the trees greet you with no hesitation,
Just stays there and offers wonderful sojourn.

I like to sit quietly at the root of the trees,
Where I can listen to someone I cannot yet see,
To see the people walking pass me,
And experience their lives vicariously.

I don't know how many lives I've led,
just sitting there,
but I could see what their eyes conceal,
the pain, regrets, happiness and joy that only they can feel.

But now, it isn't the same it seems,
The place no longer talks to me,
For I no longer belong to the place that I loved,
The friend that I had, was a stranger to me now....but I guess
remembrance is all I have.....
A Changed Perspective

Change is an inevitable part of life, that I am sure. But the
tortured musings of someone trying to hold on to what is gearing to move on
can be a heart wrenching sight. A beloved who would not let go of a
lover's hand while his life is slowly ebbing away, a friend who is
unwilling to accept the personality shifts, and drifting apart due to
changes in lifestyle and personhood of the kindred spirit that she holds
dear and an old man who nostalgically looks at past medals, recognitions
with mental images of himself during his prime when the world was his
oyster, now looked upon as a relic of the man he once was are images of the
victims of unaccepted changes.

There is this inherent tendency of a person to cling to something
familiar and sturdy. A tendency to avoid the changes that accompany the
rhythm of one's breath in the interplay of life and our preconceived
created reality especially if the now is filled with so much happiness,
success, love and conten…
There's such a great excitement whenever I take hold of my keyboard and just type the words away. There's this freedowm to express that I cannot tell in front of people who I fear cannot understand the undercurrents within my words and feelings at that exact moment in time.

I have a friend to thank for letting me use words again to add meaning to my life. I just have to simplify my thoughts and I'll be fine. This space is what i need to keep me sane and for a while have normalcy in my current state of agitation and hapless mischaps.

What are my current thoughts? Well, that there's this restlessness that has sprung, ignited by words which i cannot resist. Words have been my passion, it gives me an exhilirating high that cannot be compared to any other adrenaline rush.I feel that there's so many things to do, so many experiences to hold closely to one's bosom.

I will take this journey and conquer this insatiable need to fill up empty spaces with the flow of wo…